As always, I was reading the paper today when I noticed the review for the Twilight movie that released at 12:00 a.m. this morning- or last night, whichever. The harshness of the review and how dense the writer was made me angry, so I decided to write him a letter. Here is the Twilight Movie Review from the Star Telegram.

Twilight review: Teen vampires are pale imitators

The wooden stars suck the life out of the film version of 'Twilight.'

By CHRISTOPHER KELLY

cmkelly@dfw.com

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart bore the masses in 'Twilight.'

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Sorry, Edward Cullen junkies: No matter how steep the curve you’re grading on, Catherine Hardwicke’s film version of the bestselling vampire romance Twilight turns out to be a dud. The story has been faithfully adapted from Stephenie Meyer’s book, a surprisingly accomplished fiction that jumbles up vampire lore, Harlequin romance fantasies and girl-empowerment dogma.

But Hardwicke has no handle on the material — visual, emotional or otherwise — and she has cast two inert lead actors, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, as the teen heroine and the hottie vampire who loves her. Watching these two pallid (literally and figuratively) performers try to convince us that they’re consumed by physical and spiritual desire for each other would be funny if it weren’t so resolutely tedious.

For the Twilight uninitiated, Bella Swan (Stewart) is a clumsy but beautiful girl living in Arizona who is sent by her flighty mother (Sarah Clarke) to live with her police chief father (Billy Burke) in the tiny town of Forks, Wash. On her first day at her new high school, Bella has a tense encounter with the school’s resident mystery boy, Edward Cullen (Pattinson), an exceedingly pale junior who hangs out only with his equally pale-skinned siblings. Edward seems repulsed by Bella, going so far as to try to transfer out of their biology class before disappearing from the school entirely for the next few days.

Like most fantasy stories, Twilight (adapted by Melissa Rosenberg) has the tricky task of quickly establishing the many characters and details of its alternate universe — a problem that hardly seemed like a big deal in the briskly paced novel. But here, large chunks of exposition are placed into the mouths of the actors, and they aren’t up to the challenge: Stewart delivers her lines in an anxious, halting manner, as if she’s looking around the set for her misplaced cue cards. Pattinson adopts an excruciating monotone and a mostly blank stare, draining from Edward all the easygoing charisma that Meyer invested him with on the page. It’s impossible to care about what these two dullards are debating, much less feel the connection that’s supposed to be developing between them.

The big reveal finally comes, nearly 40 minutes along: Edward and his "siblings" are actually immortal vampires who live together under the tutelage of kindly Dr. Carlisle Cullen (Peter Facinelli). The Cullens abstain from killing humans (they refer to themselves as "vegetarians," though they do kill animals), and they live only in places where it is perpetually overcast. (If Edward goes out in the sunlight, his skin turns incandescent; it’s supposed to look like diamonds are embedded in his skin, but the special effects are so subpar that he mostly just looks like he was rolling around in glitter.) As for his initial coolness, Edward wasn’t repulsed by Bella but obsessed with her — and he decided it was essential to stay away from her for fear that he wouldn’t be able to resist eating her.

In the novel, all of this plays across as lusciously overheated and damp, not to mention a ripe allegory for every teen girl’s sexual awakening: Bella yearns to be consumed whole, even as the dictates of polite society tell her she must resist. But the McAllen-born, University of Texas-educated Hardwicke — who made thirteen (2003), a jittery portrait of out-of-control teenagers, before drifting into solemn inertia with The Nativity Story (2006) — struggles to find the right tone.

Some of the scenes in Twilight, especially the ones at Bella’s high school, have the fluid, tossed-off appeal of an episode of Sweet Valley High. Others — especially the ones featuring the Cullens, all wearing an unfortunate amount of chalky white makeup and smirking with inexplicable abandon — drift into camp. Nothing here even begins to approach the lush romanticism of Meyer’s (admittedly purple) prose. By the time you’re looking at the 15th shot of the camera floating through the air and gazing at the trees swaying in the breeze, pretty much all is lost.

To be fair, Twilight does come alive in its last 40 minutes, with the long-overdue appearance of an actual villain. A trio of drifter vampires, led by a "tracker" named James (Cam Gigandet), stumble upon the Cullens playing baseball — at which point, James instantly determines that Bella is going to be his next meal. Sporting low-slung jeans, ripped abs and a blonde ponytail, Gigandet is an infinitely more sexual presence than Pattinson (who mostly just looks like a member of the Cure, circa 1987). He singlehandedly suggests the movie that might have been — a feverish romp through the psychosexual id of a teenage girl, a thirteen with real bite.

But it’s a case of a day late and a dollar short: One actor is hardly enough to make Hardwicke’s wobbly vision cohere. The movie ends with the usual fantasy movie pile-on of red herrings and setups for the sequel, including a grave warning to Bella from her American Indian friend Jacob (Taylor Lautner), who plays a much larger part in the second novel in the series, New Moon. By then the only ones who could possibly care are the hard-core Twilight obsessives. For the rest of us, Meyer’s work has been rendered irrelevant — it’s just another chaotic teen blockbuster in search of a soul.

AND here is my reply. He so kindly includes his email address in the newspaper, how about that!

Dear Mr. Kelly,

I read your review of the Twilight movie that came out today, and I would just like to say that I think you are sadly mistaken. I'm not some silly little teeny-bopper, either, so please don't write me off right away. I was at the midnight showing of the movie last night, and considering all of the circumstances, I enjoyed the movie very much. I think you failed to take some things into consideration when writing your review. First of all, this was a very LOW budget film. Also, I was wondering, have you even read the book? Because it seems that you don't have a very good understanding of the characters at all. Bella is supposed to be a little confused and anxious. I mean, come on! She's conversing with a vampire! Plus, she's very shy and reserved, and she does NOT like attention. Technically, she is searching for her words...but as Bella, not as Kristen Stewart. Another thing- Robert Pattinson portrayed the character of Edward very well, in my opinion. Take into consideration that this is the first movie he has done with an American accent, and that he's originally a Brit. Maybe that could be the reason for the monotone? (Which, as a matter of fact, no one that I know has commented on.) And the blank stare is because he's got a battle going on in his mind. He's trying to control himself. I don't know where you got the easygoing, carefree image from. About the diamonds, of course it's not going to have all of the special effects since, again, it's a low budget film! Of course the big reveal comes along 40 minutes into the film, because it comes along deep into the book as well. This book was not written for a grown man, and neither was the movie, so of course you're going to hate it. You should be a little more objective and take everyone else's perspective into mind. I'm just glad there are loads of Twilight followers out there to counteract your snide remarks. They're depending on success for this movie to make another, and us Twilighters are excited about that. I hope you take this email to heart- don't be so bitter! Enjoy the little things in life!

Sincerely,

Rachel (i included my last name- but not for blogger!)

I really tried to be nice... I considered being rude and nasty but I figured that wouldn't be a good face to put on. Anyways, I just thought I would share that little tidbit with you guys. Enjoy!